As we move further through the stages of self-reflection, we move nearer and nearer to the realm of self-acceptance. Accepting one’s self for what they are is one of the most difficult things to do, at least in my experience. Have you ever heard of “the fantasy self?” Or wondered why you’re pulled in several directions at times and need guidance in how to handle those moments? I’m here to tell you that you’re not the only one. We have all had these circumstances arise in our lives, and discovering how best to move through them has been one of my biggest personal challenges. I’d like to talk today about my own experiences, and about what we can do to understand them a little better or how to approach situations like these in the future.
Keep The Memories, Lose The Stuff
To get into this more personally, I have a short backstory to tell you. About a year ago, I began reading a book called, “Keep The Memories, Lose The Stuff,” by Matt Paxton. I picked it up again recently. This book immediately spoke to me as when I began flipping through the initial pages. It showed me that I wasn’t the only one to have to quickly clear out my loved ones’ clutter in the home. Ironically, I didn’t think of it as clutter at all. I saw it as a beautiful and full lifetime of memories, stacked atop one another, gathering dust and more stories. I noticed the tiny details of each picture saved. Every item that would hold no value for most, but that I remembered talking about and/or giving to this person as gifts during their birthdays or holidays. Then I remembered the conversation that we had about the jewelry box, the angel figurines, and most importantly to me, about the newspaper clipping that showed my beautiful grandmother in cute little pumps in the black and gray photo where her and her colleagues stood in their office way back when. It was these conversations, these memories while standing with her in that back room closet that I didn’t even realize were so important to me at the time, but that clearly my memory decided to absorb like a sponge, since I can remember it as though it were yesterday. Funny how your body collects information so intently without you even recognizing it during that event. Related: The Role of Self Reflection in Personal Growth
Dealing With Abandonment During Self-Reflection
I’m walking you through a portion of this story because it’s what prompted me to pick up this book in the first place. This woman left in her home 3 lifetimes of memories. The home contained all inanimate objects, clothing, expired food items and way too many knick knacks. She knew where all of those came from. She knew who got them for her, and when they were given or picked up. Then, all in one fell swoop, it was cleared out top to bottom in just two short days. If I said I was heartbroken, that would be an understatement. It was incredible to me how things mean so much less to others than they do to the original person. Especially if they had no meaning behind them that wasn’t in plain site. This book showed me that I was not alone in these feelings of abandonment, and that it was okay to accept my new reality…without her and without her things. It took a lot more time to process those two days mentally than it did physically to go through all of those things and make snap decisions about what to do with them. Hell, I’m still processing some of it still even today, several years later. It’s like my body kept those moments stored for when I needed them, and pulls them out whenever it’s most necessary. This is just one scenario of how we can move through our current pain and into the present, accepting our new situation and how to handle ourselves moving forward. Making the best of our current pain and processing it to the best of our ability is simply the best thing you can do.Move through, not around.
Self-Acceptance And The Fantasy Self
We touched on this topic slightly in the beginning of the month, you may recall. Self-acceptance is being okay with who you’ve become, or really, who you actually are and always have been, deep down. During our childhood, teen and young adult years, we’re continuously influenced by others and their perspectives on how we are. How we perceive ourselves is something most of don’t even get around to doing until we’re well into our adult years. Why?? My opinion on this is directly correlated with learning about “the fantasy self.” The fantasy self is exactly what it sounds like. It’s the way we look at ourself and how we’d like others to look at us. It’s the piece of us that wants different things, even though our truest form tells us we’re crazy for thinking it. Have you had an experience such as this? Where you know and are so positive that you’ll wear those fringe jackets and tight jeans, or maybe your previous collection of cowboy boots is what you think you really want to wear because they’ll look awesome with that jacket that’s collecting dust, only to put these all on, walk out the door and have immediate anxiety and regret? Related: How Self Reflection Helps You Grow as a Person
How Are You Moving Through Self-Reflection To Get To Self-Acceptance?
This situation may look different for you, as we all differ as individuals in our own journeys. But my assumption is that you have a scenario pretty similar. Maybe you bought a truck instead of an SUV. And since you justify needing the open bed space but then realize it’s a gas-guzzler and the covered back of an SUV would have been more than sufficient. Or, maybe you keep telling yourself that you want to go out to dark, smokey bars. You know because that’s the cool thing to do, even though you’re just as content in your old sweatpants watching reruns of your favorite movie. The real you is oftentimes so buried inside that we have intense anxiety with these conflicting decisions that should be so basic and elementary to decide on. Have you ever faced an immense struggle to decide on something last minute while your partner rushes you out the door? Did you ever bring extra items or clothing or shoes with you because you’re absolutely sure you’re going to change your mind three times before you arrive at your destination? Or perhaps you don’t feel “finished” when the time is up and so you don’t even go to the event because your anxiety has hit a new level of implosion. Whatever the situation looks like for you, I promise you can be comfortable again. Because I’ve done it. And I’m here for you.
Go With Your Gut
With each of these scenarios that arise, I challenge you to do what feels right in your gut. Let it decide on the jeans today, the destination, or the next food you order in. Have you ever felt uneasy after overthinking a decision? That’s because the fun little section of our brain called “the prefrontal cortex” has got you shifted into overdrive. And most often, it’s really not necessary. Since most of the population is overstressed in today’s world, the prefrontal cortex goes on high alert with every tiny decision that you make. And there’s a lot of them, my friends. Approximately 35,000 of them to be exact. PER DAY. So, no wonder we have increasing levels of anxiety when we’re overthinking every single one of them! Have you heard about the gut being a second brain of sorts? Although it can’t do crazy, complex things like your actual brain can, it does actually utilize the exact same cells and chemicals that our actual brain uses to alert us when something feels, “off.” So, next time you reach for the fringe jacket but really want the comfy new lounge pants you just purchased on Temu, remember to go with your gut and not overthink your decision as to why. If you don’t want to go out with the friends that keep nagging you to do so, then say no. Chances are, you’ll be much happier you chose what your true self wanted instead of people pleasing your way into the next game of trivia at the crowded bar down the road. Related: Lost and Found: Finding Yourself and Gaining Clarity In Life
Self-Reflection To Get To Self-Acceptance
As this month comes to a close, so does our chats regarding self-reflection…for the time being. My hope is that we were able to get just a little bit further into finding your best and truest form, accepting change and gaining some clarity on why all of these things are so. With each day, challenge yourself to do one more thing that just “feels” right. Your gut is giving you those hints for a reason.
